The Internet Is Always Telling Me Things That I Don't Want To Know

Once Upon a Time...I was in love with this dude named Van.  Actually, his name wasn't Van, but it seems rude to use his real name, and my friend Jane (who never actually met Van during the two years we dated), took this picture at the Met of a statue of Rip Van Winkle.  This was her best guess as to what Van (who was a bit older than I) looked like in real life.  She was pretty dead on.

Artist's Approximation of Van

Anyway, Van was not my boyfriend, but we dated consistently for over two years; and although I continued to see other people it didn't keep me from falling in love with Van.  Which sucked.  But more than being in love with Van, I knew him really, really well.  So, I saw Steisha coming a mile away.  

Van had been spotty in communicating with me all week, and then while I'm meandering through a Duane Reade on 23rd Street, my cell rings.  I knew it was him.  I knew as we covered the mundane topics of the past week we were really killing time, just making small talk so he could ease into:  


                    "I went on a date this week."

I knew it was coming, but I still stopped breathing.

                    "That's nice."

                    "Yeah."

                    "We don't have to be weird about this.  You're allowed to date other                     girls.  How did you meet?"

                    "Amy Ryan introduced us."

Amy Ryan was a sweet elderly lady and mutual acquaintance of Van's and mine. She couldn't be nicer. I wanted to punch her in the face.

Artist's Approximation of Amy Ryan.
I do feel  a little bad  about wanting to punch her.  But only a little

                    "Great.  What's her name?"

                    "Steisha."

Whenever Van was crazy about someone he would sigh their name: 
STEEEI-sha. He practically sang it.  Broke my heart. 

                    "That's a nice name."

                    "I know, right?  It's an incredible name."

It's actually the stupidest name in the world, in case you were wondering.  


Now, you may not know this, but one name can be all you need to fulfill all your deepest, darkest, most masochistic desires, using your old friend: The Internet.  I went home and typed into my google browser: "Steisha and Amy Ryan".  And the internet started telling me all the things I didn't want to know. 

Steisha is a pretty uncommon name, and my google search revealed that there was a Steisha who had worked with our friend Amy.  She even had a website. With pictures.  And her resume.  I knew no good could come from clicking on that link, but there it was.  It was one-click away... How could I not click it? Really?

As I pored over her website, I quickly discovered she was not beautiful.  It was much worse.  She was accomplished.  She was... quirky.  She was like me, but better--she went to NYU for her undergrad, but she had a graduate degree.  From Yale.  She was a writer and an actress and freakin' OBIE winner.  And I could deal with all of that. But then, under the special skills section on her resume it said, "Speaks conversational French."  That was too much.  I burst into tears.  I didn't need to know that.  It was at that moment that I discovered I had always wanted to speak conversational French.

Artist's Approximation of Steisha.
 Not beautiful, but totally conversational in French.  Bitch.

So, Van and I went our separate ways.  He ran off and I don't know, had baguettes with Steisha.  Oh, they probably had sex too, and fell in love and shit, but imagining them having baguettes is graphic enough for me.


However, I had an issue bigger than baguettes.  It turned out that everyone I knew was friends with Steisha and suddenly she was everywhere--all over the Facebook walls of our dozens of mutual friends, and gracing every cast list on playbill.com.  Damn you internet!  Must you constantly bombard me with information that just makes me want to throw my computer out the window and decry all technology and sit by candlelight and cry?!


Eventually, I began seeing Steisha off-line, in real-life. We would attend the same parties, plays, concerts, etc.  I mostly avoided her as I had no desire to know any more about her than the internet had already told me. I wasn't 100% certain she even knew who I was when we would pass each other at these various events, except that I got the sense she was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding her. 


Then, after two years of dodging her, she broke up with a Van, and a few short weeks later we were at the same concert together.  Even though she was no longer Van's girlfriend, I continued  playing my usual game of "don't-make-eye-contact-with-Steisha-or-she'll-probably-come-over-and-tell-you-how-her-incredible-life-is-full-of-OBIE's-and-amazing-orgasms-with-my-ex-...- and-she'll-probably-do-it-in-French."  The name makes the game seem more complicated than it was.   And yet, simple though it was to play, I lost a round when Steisha caught me off guard and our eyes met from across the room.  And then, she waved at me.  Eagerly.  She smiled and waved at me.......and I waved back.  Then, she crossed the room to come and speak to me.  
                    "I was looking over here and thought that you were someone I know.                      How are you?"
It was like we were old friends.  Not in a weird way, even.  We just knew enough to know that the other person knew.  You know?
                    "I'm...fine.  I'm not sure we've actually officially met."
                    "That could be, but obviously we both..."
                    "Yes.  That's... true."
                    "I"m Steisha."
                    "Jacey."


And suddenly we were having an actual conversation.  We talked about the concert, our mutual friends, everything except Van, including The Facebook.
                    "I mean, Facebook is great, in that you're able to keep up with                      people you never would have otherwise kept in touch with and there                      are people who have gotten like organ donations from Facebook                      friends who saw their statuses; but even with all of that--Facebook                      is a little bit evil"
                    "Ummm... actually, Facebook is entirely evil.  It's always there                      during your darkest moments to tell you which bitch got that job                      you were up for or that your ex-such-and-such is off dating                      so-and-so."


She was silent for a second.  And went on very seriously.
                    "Yes.  Well.  That's definitely true."


I came to find out that shortly after Steisha and Van ended their very serious, boyfriend/girlfriend, probably going to get married relationship, Steisha discovered Van had started dating someone else.  She discovered this when he un-tagged every picture they were in together on the Facebook, and posted a profile picture of he and Maria.


The internet was able to tell her that it took her boyfriend two weeks to move on to someone new after they had spent two years together.  Fuck the internet.  


When next I was in front of my computer, I couldn't help but give Maria's Facebook profile a cursory glance.  For once, the internet was on my side. Twelve of Maria's past profile pictures were photographs of her cat. 


I immediately emailed Steisha with this information.  I mean, if he had told us upfront: "I'm sorry, but I'm really looking for cat lady," we both could have saved years of our lives.

Artist's Approximation of Maria

After I heard what Van had done to Steisha, I spoke to him less and less.  Allowing her to find out about Maria that was seemed really cold and thoughtless.  It seemed a little...lacking in humanity. 


That's the thing about the internet--we forget that, much like Soylent Green--the internet is people.  We all do it.  We say things online we would never say to someone's face.  We look for things we shouldn't.  We share more than we should.


In beginning to blog, it's something I've been thinking about a lot.  What if someone from my past is hurt by something that I write?  Or worse, what if someone from my future finds something I wrote on-line and is offended in some way?


I can just imagine Future Jacey's Boyfriend (Hey Babe!) looking for things he doesn't want to know and discovering that I once did a thorough cyber-stalk of my ex's new girl.  Of course, he would have uncovered this blog while cyber-stalking me...We're just peas in a pod, me and future boyfriend...

Artist's Approximation of Future Boyfriend.
He's sexy, but he has glasses.  That means he's totally attainable.

Anyway, I hadn't spoken to Van in more than six months when he called me last September.  I had long since fallen out of love with him, but I still knew him really well.  So, I saw it coming a mile away.  Before he said a word I knew what he was going to say.  And I have to give him props for learning from past mistakes and pre-empting the internet.


Yet somehow, despite all Van's best attempts, on New Years Day the motherfucking internet still managed to blindside me.  Clicking through the wedding section of the New York Times, I came across the announcement.  Complete with a picture of the happy couple:

Artist's Approximation of the couple.
The announcement is pretty close to the original.
Seriously.

Maria Katz & Van Winkle were married Friday in a beautiful ceremony in Wisconsin.  The bride, 35 will continue to use her name professionally.  She went to college and now has a lovely job.  She's the daughter of Mr. & Mrs. Katz, they're lovely too.  The bridegroom, 39 has a super fancy job (thus his wedding is being announced in the Times).  He's the daughter of Mr. & Mrs. Winkle.  They're really glad their son is finally taking the plunge. Everyone thinks they're a Purr-fect couple.

Yeah.  The Internet is always telling me things I don't want to know.